Shouda....

ok oh!! i'm tired!! yes!! officially fed up!!!! doesnt anyone have a "life manual" handy?? the bible of "what to do", "how to do", "when to do", i always think i have it (my life)all under wraps when in actually sense i've got absolutely nothing!!! i'm loosing it, or have i already lost it?? i feel like screaming right now, no, maybe curling up in a ball somewhere and crying like a baby. WHY?

could it be because the year is slowly coming to an end?? is that why i'm reflecting so deeply on the past? well, taking stock of the fading year i can understand but digging into the past.... WHY????

i feel strange, really strange. it feels strange, this feeling deep inside of me. u know how it is when u start (u think)seeing clearly and wonder about certain decisions taken in the past! it leaves u with a deep ache and sour taste which leads to an empty vacuum that cannot be filled.

as i stared @ their happy faces - "the perfect looking couple" i felt my chest tighten. it could have been... should have been and would have been me. yes me!!!! standing pretty next to him and smiling into the camera. yes me!!! looking hot and holding on to my man.......

i stared and stared and stared at them. picture after picture... jealousy? envy? ha!

regret!! such a bad thing. i've never felt this way before about loosing an ex to someone else. it was my fault. he tried, oh yes! he really did but i just couldnt see beyond my own nose, i didnt believe him nor trust him now i wish i could have given it a chance even though now it's too late, he belomgs to another ....

i now wonder, how many good opportunities i've lost. all because of what?? at that time i really thought i was making the right decisions. the years roll by so quickly and i'm still alone, it's so, so sad being on my own. maybe the season is the reason i'm feeling this way. I HATE this feeling and i wish it would just GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!

Summary...

Hmmm..... This word seems to be a favorite one.. How time flies... Yes, it does indeed. It seemed like only yesterday when i last updated u and now it's almost 3 months!!!! Oh my!!!

Busy? Yes i have indeed been busy... not being under satan's yoke but under another -WORK!. Why do we need to work? We need to pay our bills, yes it's all about the bills.

Do you often notice that it always seems like we are always (emphasis on the the word always) working for others?? Working to pay the government - tax,PHCN, water board, working to pay the landlord - rent, working to pay the filing station owners - fuel, working to pay etc... sounds familiar??? sure leaves a big hole in the pocket within hours of receiving that pay.

Sigh.... (another favorite expression), maybe i should try - hiss?? na-ah! does quite cut it...

ok where was i? Ah-ha! (a new one?? maybe.) i'm oh so tired, seems like all i ever do these days is to lament and lament. what happened to my year of positive thinking???? if i can fream it and i can acheive it??? could it be that it's gone with the year??

oh yes! the year.... the year is almost over and as usual we do we do?? review all that was and was not... the couldas, shouldas and wouldas......

i too should review the year's activities as the third person. this year was well... one of thoses years. no new year's resolutions, no expectations save 1 which has been carried over into the next year. i think i kinda drifted through it all.

i must say i dabbled into a few relationships that progressed from bad to outright disgusting (still waiting for the good/sweet/almost perfect one that has evaded me for so long) that convinced me that i hadnt seen it all. MBA!!! there are a lot of bad, bad people out there. i also expereinced a lot of drama. drama? yes drama like a badly written home video which didnt have the ending u would 'ave expected.

in reflection, i must say i achieved a few things personally and i put a few smiles on the faces of loved ones. hey i even started my very own blog!! (round of appaulse if u please)

even as the lights are dimmed and the curtains of the year close to me forever, i know that the there is a surprise waiting for me and who so ever is reading this within the next 28 days. a word, a touch, a gift, a thought, a long distant traveller or next door neighbour, wateva it may be just hold on to that fading ray of light as it drives ur (& mine too) shadows away....

All About Nadia

I opened my eyes as the sun rays filled the room and I glanced at the digital clock by my bedside, 6.29 it showed. I sighed and rolled over thinking to myself "it's darn too early for me to be awake". I wondered why my room was so bright at 6.29 in the morning. Sigh... as I covered my head, struggling to hold on to the last shreds of unconciousness. "Darn!" I swore as my alarm went off, I forgot to turn it off last night when I got in. Why didn't I? It was Saturday, wasn't it?

I slowly arose swinging my legs to the side of the bed. "Aarrh, Mr sleep has left the building". I struggled to get my balance as I got on my feet quite suddenly and stumbled to the bathroom. I felt sore everywhere. My skin stung, i felt as if i had a million fire ants strategically placed all over me. Flashes of light.. "What happened to me?". More flashes.. I tried to replay all the events of the previous day as my head thumped to an unknown rythym. The more i tried to recall the thicker the fog became.

I opened the first aid cabinet above the sink and took out a pack of aspirin, downed a couple then splashed some water on my face. Flashes.. "Ouch!" My head throbed and my body ached. Staring at my reflection in the mirror I noticed a few wrinkles at the corner of my eyes. I thought to myself "Nadia, you are aging and fast".

There again, Flashes... THE VOICE ...glass breaking... more flashes... the throbing increased... voices.... .... gas... fire... the screaming... blood... that darn music.... "No!!!" It hit me as I screamed then it all came crashing down. "What have I done?" "What have I done?" I asked an empty room as tears rolled down my face....

30 years ago.....

Friday

You know, Friday is truly the best day of the week. No matter the traffic I encounter on my way to work, the issues that arise or challenges that are thrown my way, it doesnt matter cuz I know it's Friday and NOTHING can weigh me down.

Friday is like the number 8, which signifies new beginnings. Yes, it does! Friday signifies the end of the working week as it ushers in the weekend.

Oh how the thought of the weekend gladens my heart. Being away from the confines of my office, suits and high heeled shoes which pinch my toes. Where everyone puts up a facade, some more than others. Where freedom is in its true form a taboo.

Oh the joys of waking up late, wearing my bubu @ home, lazing about the house (barefooted) and watching movies until i loose consiousness of reality. How I love the weekends, knowing i am the king and my time is subject to me.

Then comes Sunday when we awake thinking about the end of the weekend and the beginning of the working week. Aarrh!!! Worship in the morning and depression in the evening. Why can't we have 3-day weekends?? Why does the dreaded Monday morning always come so soon? What did we really achieve over the weekend?? What does the new week hold for us? Why didn't we complete that task on Friday in our bid to rush off into the weekend? All these questions......

Well, Friday and I intend to make the most of it and thoroughly enjoy it.

It's been a while.....

Sigh.... It's been a while, hasn't it??

I wonder why I haven't spent time with you all this while. Laziness? Forgetfulness? or was it the dreaded Writer's block?? I wonder...

Sigh.... It's been a while, hasn't it??

I often ponder over the events of the last 9 months and I'm so thankful. Am I? Oh yes I truly am.

We all think we have seen it all (or the most of it) but we just keep on getting shocked. Shocked? Yes shocked I was and shocked I have been and shocked I still am.

People are so deep, filled with a lot of evil. Oh yes they are!

Why are we (yes WE) so dishonest?? Why so fraudulent?? Why so deep?? Hmm....

This is best left for another day.

Sigh..... It's been a while but I'm glad to be back.

Sigh....

Sigh...

The day is finally over and i'm beat!!!! Today wasn't it at all! Well, in all fairness the day started out like any other day. I really didn't want to get out of bed but had to; left the house later than usual and thankfully there was no traffic. Made it to work in good time then it all changed.

Ngozi was scratched!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! Darn keke maruwa riders!!! There it was as clear as day, two lines all the way from the beginning to the end of the passenger's side of my brand new baby. Boy was I mad!!! What can I do? y dad will have a fit upon his return (by the way I'm certainly not a minor). Unfortnately, the rascals who caused me this much pain were long gone, sigh... I had to swallow my pain.

That was only the beginning oh!!!

Issues, issues and more issues!!! Now i sit in retrospect, I didn't achieve anything I set out to do today. People issues, unnecessary delays, client issues, procedural issues. I got yelled at several times and thrown out of an office. Had to tell a few white lies. The sun's gone to bed and I'm still here, arrhhh...!!! I'm just so frustrated.

If i was an alcoholic, it would have been Jack D n I all night. Maybe I can drown myself in Hollandia yogurt instead, who knows that could be a better substitute!!

There are just some good days and bad ones, sane and crazy days. What remains constant is how we handle these days and the challenges that are thrown our way to ensure the outcome stays the same. This is one of life's lessons I'm still learning to adopt.

All i can do is blog away daily, writing useless words unto the pages in cyberspace where no one goes and no one reads. This i find is comforting as each stroke on the keyboard eases away the pain within until I am LIBERATED!!!

Struggle....

I struggle daily with everything.

Living is a struggle.

Waking up is a struggle.

Dressing up is a struggle.

Eating is a struggle.

Poo-ing is a struggle.

Working is a struggle.

Finding love is a struggle.

Worshipping is a struggle.

Praying is a struggle.

Fasting is a struggle.

Keeping relationships is a struggle.

Being happy is a struggle.

Being sad is a struggle.

Thinking is a struggle.

Keeping fit a struggle.

Earning money is a struggle.

Saving money is a struggle.

Running a home is a struggle.

Finding a mate is a struggle.

Keeping that mate is a struggle.

Raising kids is a struggle.

Going to school is a struggle.

Staying focused is a struggle.

Falling asleep is a struggle.

Dying is .........?

Untitled

Life......

I think alot about life, mine, others, what is, what isn't, what could be and what couldn't etc

I lie awake with thots slipping through my mind like a slithering snake.

They envelope my very being while driving alone to work and back, to church and back or any destination that i fancy.

I ask myself, "am I a prisioner of my mind?" "is my soul trapped with with no escape?".

At times i wish i could runaway from me, from all these thots plaguing me, from my mind, from the whole world. To find a safe haven where I am free from all the demons tormenting me day and night, while I'm awake, while i'm asleep. These shadows that haunt me from afar and near, above and beneath.

How I long to run reckless and wild without these restraining chains bearing me down, threatening to draw me down to the abyss of nothingness.

Can i escape? Will i escape? Who can hear my silent screams? Is there no deliverer for my tortured soul??

Alas! I see.... What could that be? Who cometh from the distance?

A bright light floods my vision. A thunderous wind takes a hold of me. The earth vibrates as its core is shaken. Flashes all around. Hail storm seizes the land. Every living thing runs for cover. Fear grips my very soul. My heart pounds all around until my chest cavity is filled and is about to explode. A thick darkness shrouds me for the earth is at its darkest.

Suddenly.......... it is calm

Then a small still voice says to me "Be still my child for I will deliver you"

Hope like a pinpoint of light fills me from within as it gradually expands and takes hold of my every being. The chains around me fade to ash as I am released from all that bind me.

I look around, the darkness fades to nothing. The grass is green, the trees are in bloom and the birds sing a new song. I see my reflection in a still lake and I am clothed in the finest of garments with a glow from within.

A bubbly laugh escapes from my lips for once again.......... I AM FREE!!!

Thursday

It's Thursday and the day is almost over.
It's Thursday and the week is almost over.
It's Thursday and the hard work is almost over.
It's Thursday and the weekend is almost here.

The Meaning??

Life......... Death........

Living....... Dying........

Joy.......... Sadness......

Ying......... Yang.........

Good......... Bad..........

Action....... Consequences!

The list is endless. It all comes back to Life & Death. What's the meaning of it all? We live life struggling, when in the end it doesn't even matter. All the things we pursue, clothes, jewelry, jobs, cars, houses, fat bank accounts, marriages, bigger houses, babies, more babies, divorce, deception, LIES, envy, strife, child support, legal battles......

We go through the motions daily, such a sad routine being stuck in a loop. Doing things we really don't want to do; putting up a smile while we are dying inside. Suffocating under the crushing weight of it all. Screaming siliently while trapped in a maze of certian destruction.

I can't think anymore, I can't write anymore....... it all ends now!

Welcome

Hello everyone and welcome to my blog page - ECHOES!!!!!

I actually had a lot of ideas and thots running through my mind all week about what to and what not to add to this page but unfortunately everything's gone out the window now, sigh. Nevertheless, i'll try.

I must confess that i have NEVER EVER blogged b4 in my life!!! I never saw a reason to until last week. A good friend of mine (let's call her Zee) got her own blog page, so i thot to myself "why not get one too". So, here we are.

Now let the blogging begin....... giggle.....