ok oh!! i'm tired!! yes!! officially fed up!!!! doesnt anyone have a "life manual" handy?? the bible of "what to do", "how to do", "when to do", i always think i have it (my life)all under wraps when in actually sense i've got absolutely nothing!!! i'm loosing it, or have i already lost it?? i feel like screaming right now, no, maybe curling up in a ball somewhere and crying like a baby. WHY?
could it be because the year is slowly coming to an end?? is that why i'm reflecting so deeply on the past? well, taking stock of the fading year i can understand but digging into the past.... WHY????
i feel strange, really strange. it feels strange, this feeling deep inside of me. u know how it is when u start (u think)seeing clearly and wonder about certain decisions taken in the past! it leaves u with a deep ache and sour taste which leads to an empty vacuum that cannot be filled.
as i stared @ their happy faces - "the perfect looking couple" i felt my chest tighten. it could have been... should have been and would have been me. yes me!!!! standing pretty next to him and smiling into the camera. yes me!!! looking hot and holding on to my man.......
i stared and stared and stared at them. picture after picture... jealousy? envy? ha!
regret!! such a bad thing. i've never felt this way before about loosing an ex to someone else. it was my fault. he tried, oh yes! he really did but i just couldnt see beyond my own nose, i didnt believe him nor trust him now i wish i could have given it a chance even though now it's too late, he belomgs to another ....
i now wonder, how many good opportunities i've lost. all because of what?? at that time i really thought i was making the right decisions. the years roll by so quickly and i'm still alone, it's so, so sad being on my own. maybe the season is the reason i'm feeling this way. I HATE this feeling and i wish it would just GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Summary...
Hmmm..... This word seems to be a favorite one.. How time flies... Yes, it does indeed. It seemed like only yesterday when i last updated u and now it's almost 3 months!!!! Oh my!!!
Busy? Yes i have indeed been busy... not being under satan's yoke but under another -WORK!. Why do we need to work? We need to pay our bills, yes it's all about the bills.
Do you often notice that it always seems like we are always (emphasis on the the word always) working for others?? Working to pay the government - tax,PHCN, water board, working to pay the landlord - rent, working to pay the filing station owners - fuel, working to pay etc... sounds familiar??? sure leaves a big hole in the pocket within hours of receiving that pay.
Sigh.... (another favorite expression), maybe i should try - hiss?? na-ah! does quite cut it...
ok where was i? Ah-ha! (a new one?? maybe.) i'm oh so tired, seems like all i ever do these days is to lament and lament. what happened to my year of positive thinking???? if i can fream it and i can acheive it??? could it be that it's gone with the year??
oh yes! the year.... the year is almost over and as usual we do we do?? review all that was and was not... the couldas, shouldas and wouldas......
i too should review the year's activities as the third person. this year was well... one of thoses years. no new year's resolutions, no expectations save 1 which has been carried over into the next year. i think i kinda drifted through it all.
i must say i dabbled into a few relationships that progressed from bad to outright disgusting (still waiting for the good/sweet/almost perfect one that has evaded me for so long) that convinced me that i hadnt seen it all. MBA!!! there are a lot of bad, bad people out there. i also expereinced a lot of drama. drama? yes drama like a badly written home video which didnt have the ending u would 'ave expected.
in reflection, i must say i achieved a few things personally and i put a few smiles on the faces of loved ones. hey i even started my very own blog!! (round of appaulse if u please)
even as the lights are dimmed and the curtains of the year close to me forever, i know that the there is a surprise waiting for me and who so ever is reading this within the next 28 days. a word, a touch, a gift, a thought, a long distant traveller or next door neighbour, wateva it may be just hold on to that fading ray of light as it drives ur (& mine too) shadows away....
Busy? Yes i have indeed been busy... not being under satan's yoke but under another -WORK!. Why do we need to work? We need to pay our bills, yes it's all about the bills.
Do you often notice that it always seems like we are always (emphasis on the the word always) working for others?? Working to pay the government - tax,PHCN, water board, working to pay the landlord - rent, working to pay the filing station owners - fuel, working to pay etc... sounds familiar??? sure leaves a big hole in the pocket within hours of receiving that pay.
Sigh.... (another favorite expression), maybe i should try - hiss?? na-ah! does quite cut it...
ok where was i? Ah-ha! (a new one?? maybe.) i'm oh so tired, seems like all i ever do these days is to lament and lament. what happened to my year of positive thinking???? if i can fream it and i can acheive it??? could it be that it's gone with the year??
oh yes! the year.... the year is almost over and as usual we do we do?? review all that was and was not... the couldas, shouldas and wouldas......
i too should review the year's activities as the third person. this year was well... one of thoses years. no new year's resolutions, no expectations save 1 which has been carried over into the next year. i think i kinda drifted through it all.
i must say i dabbled into a few relationships that progressed from bad to outright disgusting (still waiting for the good/sweet/almost perfect one that has evaded me for so long) that convinced me that i hadnt seen it all. MBA!!! there are a lot of bad, bad people out there. i also expereinced a lot of drama. drama? yes drama like a badly written home video which didnt have the ending u would 'ave expected.
in reflection, i must say i achieved a few things personally and i put a few smiles on the faces of loved ones. hey i even started my very own blog!! (round of appaulse if u please)
even as the lights are dimmed and the curtains of the year close to me forever, i know that the there is a surprise waiting for me and who so ever is reading this within the next 28 days. a word, a touch, a gift, a thought, a long distant traveller or next door neighbour, wateva it may be just hold on to that fading ray of light as it drives ur (& mine too) shadows away....
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